Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

[at hair salon]

Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!!

[in car two minutes later]

Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]

🥲

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.