Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
You Might Also Like
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.