Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.