Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.

How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

me: lol you only hurt the ones you love

murderer: OMG shut up

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.

Me: is there anything on my face

Him: no you’re good

[15 minutes later]

Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair

Him: you didn’t ask about your hair

Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.