Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
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WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Why does laundry happen to good people?
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine