Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
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“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Couple goals
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.