Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

prepare for carbonated trouble

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight

I am having an out of money experience.

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die

Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”

Me: Do you have a Summer menu?

Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.

Me:

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.