Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
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How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
an airline just for babies.