Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
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Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
cause of death:
autopsy.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it