Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

why count sheep when I can count my troubles

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared

Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.

We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.

“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

🛁

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

It’s 6am somewhere!

~Toddlers waking up at 4am.

How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.