Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.

Friend: For Halloween?

Me: For what?

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

14: How do you feel about people of color?

Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.

17: But you hate everyone.

14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.

Me: Please shut up.

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire