her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
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My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Received some very disappointing news today
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me