her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
You Might Also Like
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Bootstraps
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
hmmm
