Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
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The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Real 😅
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?