Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
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Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
All. The. Damn. Time.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask