Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Church Pugh’s
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
