Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation

Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.

Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.

The legends speak of a third Duran…

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene