Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
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[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.