Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

I have obtained a hat

Me: *eating turkey*

Cartographer: My work!

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately

chief: anything we can do?

detective: sure, lock homes

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.

Everyone has a nickname.

If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.

Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.

A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!