Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
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Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
wtf is an acronym
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Cardio Made Easy
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Name this drama.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99