Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.

Follow me for more fitness tips.

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

*grilled cheese

cheese: i want a lawyer

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.

They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.

[pointing to a gravestone]

I’ll have what HE’S having!

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.

everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks

february: no

Toxic snake

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot