her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
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Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Breaking news:
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
i spent way too long on this
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Wise advice
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…