her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
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doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Doctor: Are you a danger to yourself or others?
Me: You mean I have to pick one?
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.