her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
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This did not end as expected.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
“We will wed,” I threatened
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.