Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
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My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.