Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
You Might Also Like
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Look at this
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun