Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
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YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Sorry I speak my mind.
It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.