Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.

Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!

boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course

me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

Cop lights are so pretty at night

The most accurate map ever devised.

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.