Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there

sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

LinkedIn is a terrible dating site

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.

Maybe I’m delusional, but I swear this train is following me.

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?

me: sure

waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich

me: those things are on the normal menu

waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18

me: they’re usually $12

waiter: today they’re special

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.

Bars should have claw machines with loose cigarettes and taquitos

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

i think my razor is having a panic attack

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends

Black Friday “markdowns” like

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?