Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[creation of kangaroo]

God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack

Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*

God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha

Angel: again with this shit

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

how many bears make up a bear minimum

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances

Date: describe yourself to me in three words

Me:

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.