Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

🤣

the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.

Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

date: I like to try new foods

me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.