Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
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Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.