Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

🤣

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.