Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
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If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
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Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
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mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.