Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
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An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.