Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
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Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
my mum slapped my neighbors wife and now I gotta fight her son man wtf i’m just tryna sleep
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]