Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.