Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
You Might Also Like
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT: