Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”

Cop: A ghost killed your family?

Guy: Yes!

Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?

Guy: No?

Cop: Well there you go.

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.

6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!

The evidence to the contrary:

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

What do you call it when a zoo paints common animals to look like more exotic species?

Fake Gnus

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.

Life is fair, people are not.