Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.

Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

Going to change my wifi network name to…

Someone Please Help Me

And give this neighborhood something to talk about.

New nose

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

mom had nothing to worry about

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

When customers come in 6 hours before closing

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”

Going to work bro it’s Wednesday