Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antybodies

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point