Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.

My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”

In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”

Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*

Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.

ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.

There are usually two types of merchants.

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year