Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this

I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.

I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck