her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
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Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep