her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
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don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit