Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
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*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
For the ones in the back.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.