Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can I speak to your manager please?”

“I AM the manager”

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.

“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”

Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.

Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears

Alexa, make me look good naked.

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

Drive like no one is watching.

“and you are November’s PM yes?”