Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.

As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

Tastes like chicken.

Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control

Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.