Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
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The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.