Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

I may have bags under my eyes, but they’re Versace.

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”

[Massive thud]

“I’ll just check.”

(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

They should make a tanning bed that constantly rolls you over like a gas station hotdog.

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for