Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!

Harry: *y’er

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”

Dead
Alive
Other✔

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.