Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
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My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
yeah no that’s fair
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
they finally got him. they got macavity
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!