Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
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The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
*rises out of ball pit* thanks for agreeing to meet me here
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Lost the wife today and it’s so liberating. Sadly, she’ll find me eventually, the security guard says I can’t hide in this IKEA forever.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
The past, present and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
[Going through rubble after a house fire]
Her [holding photo albums]: Totally ruined.
Me [holding slices of bread]: Pretty much toast.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough