@ArfMeasures

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

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@_steamy_mac

Someone I don’t know sent me a message that was just 3 question marks, and I replied, “Same.”

@jazmasta

*gives ex wife’s next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*

@lilgapeach30

The black smoke coming from my toaster indicates a new pop tart has been selected!

@JD_Barney

According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.

@dumbbeezie

How to handle a one night stand the next morning

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

@Chhapiness

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

@elle91

Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.

@sarcasticmommy4

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.