Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
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People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
step 6: release the wall snake
what’s more important?
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.