Someone I don’t know sent me a message that was just 3 question marks, and I replied, “Same.”
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
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*gives ex wife’s next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*
The black smoke coming from my toaster indicates a new pop tart has been selected!
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According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.