Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
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I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Match dot com, but for socks.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have