Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
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“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort