HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
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The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
This makes total sense…
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably