Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong

Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.

To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”

When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.

[On a date at a restaurant]

So this is nice huh?

“Yea,uh, who’s that?”

*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Daughter:

Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?

A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…

netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.