HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
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don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My favorite farside!!
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!