HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
![]()
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.