Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
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Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
The fall of Netflix
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.