Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
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If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube