Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
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My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
S O O N
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word