Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
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Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Heroic Misunderstanding
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.