@tweetsbyrocket

her: have you tried mindfulness

me: dude my mind is like…the whole problem

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@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

@ShittyComedian

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

@dihorla

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

@mynameisntdave

[diner]

ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.

@imalittleginger

Just stopped a monk from opening a flower shop.
Only YOU can prevent florist friars.

@simoncholland

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

@KarenLyneButler

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

@JermHimselfish

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

@Matt_The_1st

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

@Rollinintheseat

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”