Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.

I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

😅🤣😂

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England