Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
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I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Gas station lines at 2 am:
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Born to be mild.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.