Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy Caturday!

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together

when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho

Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

#SCOTUS one-star review

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon