Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
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If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.