Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
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Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Dear Aliens,
Now would be a good time.
Thanks!
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Ferrari squats
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
just having fun
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies